Molly’s blog entry today managed to jar a few things I’d had held up in my head lose today:

I need my electric typewriter — I think that’s the problem. I’ve this major issue whereby I think I suck and therefore over-edit. While my typewriter erases, it lacks the flexibility I tend to abuse in this digital medium.

Link

And then while I was tidying up my bedroom I peaked inside a box beside my bed that I’d been neglecting to do anything about and found a collection of blank writing books I’d been given by friends over the years. There are probably 5 or 6 of them in this house currently. And almost ALL of them have no more than 5 things written in them [largely old poetry]. There is even a Moleskine in my satchel right now [sadly, completely empty]. I have one torn and tattered notebook, just an old Walgreen’s composition book, which I repurposed sometime ago that is filled with writing. It’s faded and ugly and water-stained from years in an old backpack that followed me everywhere. But somewhere years ago, I stopped writing. And the books just collected.

Now, when I try to write again, I over-think, and I over edit, until I end up just abandoning the work completely. When I used that old notebook, I made it a strict policy of keeping my work raw, unedited [Much to someone's annoyance at the time...] But it becomes this cyclical issue. I get frustrated because I feel I lost the ability to write, but I keep trying. I force myself too, and I end up frustrated and edit to the point that I just quit. And that only makes it harder begin again. I apparently expect perfection out of myself. I lose sigh that I use to write for me, and no one else. Few people ever even saw my work; or at least knew it was mine when they did. And the ability to self-edit on the fly that a computer gives me, tends to feed my obsessive habit.

I am scared of those blank books. All those empty pages that I could very easily fuck up on and write dribble. I got too comfortable here behind the screen with my grammar highlighting and the ability to revise 1 billion times over with no trace of an eraser.

I’m learning to accept, however. I’m trying to write everyday; to put myself into this site [Though I worry that people will think that this site suck, and then I will take it personally as to thinking that I suck]. I’m trying to not to self-edit as much, and just way what is in my head. I guess we’ll see.

Technorati Tags: Writing, frustration, self editing