I feel disconnected lately. More accurately disassociated; Like everything is scripted and rehearsed. Soundtracked and laid forth, minute by minute, for me to watch and hear from within my skull, almost passive. I’m sure weekends alone and the distance from L exacerbate the sensation [or is it a lack of sensation?]. But I find myself not talking to anyone for hours, sometimes even days without even hearing my own voice. I can’t decide if I enjoy the quiet observation like this or not. It tends to give me the opportunity to focus on whatever I like. Endless stream of conscious monologues. And movement takes on an instinctual quality. Motions happen fluidly but without discrete thought. My car feels not like an extension of my body, but rather like a vessel for my brain. It’s like a modular consciousness that can be transplanted into whatever is necessary at the time.

But transitioning back into an interactive functional mode, dealing with other people is jarring. I get easily agitated and long for the quiet again. I look at interaction with others with a queasy sort of feeling [though I long for L's touch again; only a little more than a month until she returns home].

I have trouble reconciling the paradox of my beliefs; I know I can’t view myself as separate from the universe but rather as part of it. But despite that knowledge, I find myself feeling more & more detached from it.

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